Yes, as if the break wasn't bad enough, it seems that everything reminds you of them. For me, even one suggestion of them (no matter how subtle or slight or even indirect) lifted the flood gates and brought in a whole slew of emotions and memories.
Sometimes, sleep is your worst nightmare - which makes things very difficult when it seems all you want to do is sleep - but whilst asleep, you dream about them. For me, it was one of three things: 1) we broke up over and over again; 2) I watched as he fell in love with someone new; or 3) some terrible combination of the previous two in which I am completely rejected. I woke up, every day exhausted, sad, and already defeated.
Then, when they move on and you still have a them-shaped hole in your heart, it feels like a knife has been stabbed into the hole that seemed to be healing. And you hurt all over again, exposed and raw.
As a woman, I often question my value and worth. And though I would LOVE to say that my identity is found solely and completely in God. It's in painful moments like these when I realize how easily I bruise, and how truly unstable even my most basic ideas of identity and worth are as a Christian and as a woman.
The mind is terrible at times. It's powerful, and it is often the primary place of attack from the enemy of our souls.
I used to be all about soaking in the hurt. I didn't mean to, but it's like I couldn't help it. I really hurt and these "peace" and "joy" characters certainly didn't feel very present in my reality. I would often wake up and think to myself, "so this is another day I must endure. I wonder if I will always feel this empty and sad and alone."
But that was the old me...the me for as long as I can remember.
And now I'm changing. And change is painful, but mostly good.
Having been broken in more ways than I thought possible, I've become less, and have taken on more of Him. That makes sense when you think that in our brokenness we are often sustained by His healing presence - that is, if we let Him.
So, here I am...totally and completely broken, but held together and fortified by the UNCONDITIONAL, NEVER ENDING love of my Saviour, my King, which gives me strength and hope and breathes life and light back into the lifeless darkness I've been calling home.
Proverbs 4:23 says "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."
Often people can read that verse and believe it is their responsibility to be the 'guard' this verse talks about, but if you know anything about humans...we aren't so great at being impenetrably strong. At least, most of the humans I know. And even if you are an exception to this rule, you aren't the BEST guard - I mean, don't get offended, how could you be? You don't see all the moving pieces and even your greatest efforts of strength have an expiry date.
The best way I know how to guard my heart is to place it the strongest hands I know - God's.
'Above all else, guard your heart'?
If with God, the almighty, omnipotent one, my heart is found - seems like it'd be pretty safe there.
'For everything you do flows from it...'
If my heart is in God's hands, that means I'm surrounded by Him. I'm enveloped by Him. All senses are cut off - I see only Him. I'm overwhelmed by Him. And soon my actions will reflect my changed environment. Almost like, His touch rubs off on me.
Another aspect of this verse that shouldn't be overlooked is the sheer value and price put on our hearts. Your heart, my heart.
"Above all else" -- wow, God talks about my heart like it's the Kingdom's most prized possession...and to Him, it is.
Your heart, my heart, is of immeasurable worth and value to God.
It is in knowing that He values it that much that we also know we can trust Him with it. To not only guard it well, but to turn it - however broken it may be - into something beautiful, reflecting Him, and then to lead our strong and hopeful yet softened hearts into a place of true joy.
So, as I enter into this season of change, and perhaps, as you do too - if protecting your heart is your prerogative, take it out of your charge, and give it to the one who is all-powerful, whose strength never fails.
It seems simple enough, doesn't it?
But can we trust God like this?
Can you?
Can I?
Maybe you are your own strength, but I can only boast in my weakness and cling to the one in whom my strength is found...and my joy is found...my hope is found...really, my everything is found! God.
He helps me to love again, to trust again, to hope again, to find my strength and to live victoriously - not simply endure. And on top of all of that, I know that my heart is so prized and valuable, that it is WORTH fighting for and to be won -- by someone that my King deems worthy.
There's one last verse I want to leave you with to prove my whole point of our Lord being the ultimate guardian of our hearts:
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give him thanks." - Pslam 28:7
-A
