Once Upon the Inbetween

The Inbetween. A state where everything is fine and nothing is fine at all. Here let me describe:

In the Inbetween there has been no crazy disturbance. Nor has there been any life altering event. You are neither sad, nor are you happy. Everything is just...it just is. It exists. And you can't really remember when things were different. It has been a slow fade, and you've become numb. 

Whenever I realize that I've been logging travel hours meandering in the plains of the Inbetween, I grow concerned. The most difficult and troubling place along this journey is this very moment - the battle against my budding care and the apathy that still rests heavily upon me. 

There's a desire, a desperation, to feel something - anything. So you overindulge. And if it's possible, you're left even emptier than before.

Satisfaction isn't found in empty loves. Nor is it found in mindless vices meant to numb.  It isn't found in store-bought happiness, or bottled pleasure. And that, I suppose, is the greatest enigma of them all.  That satisfaction exists in the moment when you feel most powerless and most apathetic. Satisfaction lies there, you only need to unveil it. Now is the right time, in the midst of the Inbetween. Now is the perfectly right time.

The right time to change. To fight. To cry. To laugh. To be ashamed. To love. To feel. And the right time to realize that all you ever wanted was right there, with you. Shadowed, but still living alongside you. 

As you let the scales fall from your eyes, and you exchange your grime for grace, you feel it again. Deep within you. The steady rhythm that tells you that this life isn't meant for simple existence. That beat reminds you that mistakes can be overcome, that habits don't have to be habitual, that there is chance for change and it begins in the present. Right now.

Awake, my friends. Be bold. Be brave. Breathe deeply. There is still time left, and the time is now. There is only an Inbetween if you agree to believe in it's existence. 

- A

Moon and Back

Perhaps it's nitpicky, but I've never really liked the phrase "I love you to the moon and back."

I've seen people get so ushy-gushy romantic, or sweet and sentimental about it, as if that phrase was a huge testament of love.

All that phrase makes me think is, why such a short distance? 

Now, I know the moon is quite a distance for us to travel (especially on a daily basis). I mean logistically speaking how often do we get our hands on a spaceship, right? But still, something about it feels limited. 

I don't get warm fuzzies, I start questioning. Why just to the moon? And is this a single trip to the moon? Do you only love me one trip to the moon and back?

I suppose, I take love very seriously.  I think of the people I have claimed to love, and I'd do more than go to the moon and back for them, I'd lay down my life for them. Further, I've encountered His amazing love, which in return has caused me to want to love others with proportionate extravagance.

1 John 4 talks about abiding in Christ's love and allowing that to cause an overflow into the lives of others around us - that His love would be made manifest in our worlds. Christ's love was characterized by dizzying patience, incomprehensible grace, unbelievable sacrifice, and depth we can't begin to fathom - that's the kind of love we're supposed to emulate.

As Christians, we shouldn't simply love people to the moon and back, we should love them to infinity and beyond.

To infinity and beyond.

That's more like it. 

-A

Thursday Love

I realize that it has been awhile since I posted.

I have no excuse except that I've been so busy and my thoughts are impossibly difficult to untangle at the moment.  The single purpose for posting this is that it brought a smile to my face that I have yet to lose. So I felt like it was a worthwhile share :)

I hope that life is treating you lovingly. 

If you have seen more loving days, I hope you are able to find the beauty yet still around you.

xx

- A

You will never leave me thirsty

Today, this song was especially poignant.  

It reflects my heart today.  Heck, it reflects me today, my posture today. It is the state of today.  

And, I suppose, sometimes it feels nice to have someone sing back to you your diary because it makes you realize you're not so alone after all. In fact, you're kind of...normal. 

"Find You On My Knees"

{By Kari Jobe}

Troubles chasing me again,

Breaking down my best defense,

I'm looking, God, I'm looking for you

Weary just won't let me rest and fear is filing up my head.

I'm longing, God I'm longing for you

But I will find you in the place I'm in,

find you when I'm at my end,

find you when there's nothing left of me 

to offer you except for brokenness.

You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty

When I am weak, when I am lost and searching

I'll find you on my knees.

So what if sorrow shakes my faith,

what if heartache still remains,

I'll trust you, my God I'll trust you.

'Cause You are faithful and

I will find you in the place I'm in,

find you when I'm at my end,

find you when there's nothing left of me 

to offer you except for brokenness.

You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty

When I am weak, when I am lost and searching

I'll find you on my knees.

When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong

When the pain is real, when it's hard to heal

When my faith is shaken and my heart is broken

and my joy is stolen, God I know that

You lift me up, you'll never leave me searching,

find you in the place I'm in, 

find you when I'm at my end,

find you when there's nothing left of me 

to offer you except for brokenness.

You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty

When I am weak, when I am lost and searching

I'll find you on my knees.

Life Quote

How to Guard a Heart

If any one of you have ever been in a relationship before and have gotten your heart broken, you know the process is especially painful.

Yes, as if the break wasn't bad enough, it seems that everything reminds you of them. For me, even one suggestion of them (no matter how subtle or slight or even indirect) lifted the flood gates and brought in a whole slew of emotions and memories.

Sometimes, sleep is your worst nightmare - which makes things very difficult when it seems all you want to do is sleep - but whilst asleep, you dream about them. For me, it was one of three things: 1) we broke up over and over again; 2) I watched as he fell in love with someone new; or 3) some terrible combination of the previous two in which I am completely rejected. I woke up, every day exhausted, sad, and already defeated.

Then, when they move on and you still have a them-shaped hole in your heart, it feels like a knife has been stabbed into the hole that seemed to be healing. And you hurt all over again, exposed and raw.

As a woman, I often question my value and worth. And though I would LOVE to say that my identity is found solely and completely in God. It's in painful moments like these when I realize how easily I bruise, and how truly unstable even my most basic ideas of identity and worth are as a Christian and as a woman.

The mind is terrible at times. It's powerful, and it is often the primary place of attack from the enemy of our souls.

I used to be all about soaking in the hurt. I didn't mean to, but it's like I couldn't help it. I really hurt and these "peace" and "joy" characters certainly didn't feel very present in my reality. I would often wake up and think to myself, "so this is another day I must endure. I wonder if I will always feel this empty and sad and alone."

But that was the old me...the me for as long as I can remember.
And now I'm changing. And change is painful, but mostly good.

Having been broken in more ways than I thought possible, I've become less, and have taken on more of Him. That makes sense when you think that in our brokenness we are often sustained by His healing presence - that is, if we let Him.

So, here I am...totally and completely broken, but held together and fortified by the UNCONDITIONAL, NEVER ENDING love of my Saviour, my King, which gives me strength and hope and breathes life and light back into the lifeless darkness I've been calling home.

Proverbs 4:23 says "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

Often people can read that verse and believe it is their responsibility to be the 'guard' this verse talks about, but if you know anything about humans...we aren't so great at being impenetrably strong. At least, most of the humans I know. And even if you are an exception to this rule, you aren't the BEST guard - I mean, don't get offended, how could you be? You don't see all the moving pieces and even your greatest efforts of strength have an expiry date.

The best way I know how to guard my heart is to place it the strongest hands I know - God's.

'Above all else, guard your heart'?
If with God, the almighty, omnipotent one, my heart is found - seems like it'd be pretty safe there.

'For everything you do flows from it...'
If my heart is in God's hands, that means I'm surrounded by Him. I'm enveloped by Him. All senses are cut off - I see only Him. I'm overwhelmed by Him. And soon my actions will reflect my changed environment. Almost like, His touch rubs off on me.

Another aspect of this verse that shouldn't be overlooked is the sheer value and price put on our hearts. Your heart, my heart.

"Above all else" -- wow, God talks about my heart like it's the Kingdom's most prized possession...and to Him, it is.

Your heart, my heart, is of immeasurable worth and value to God.

It is in knowing that He values it that much that we also know we can trust Him with it. To not only guard it well, but to turn it - however broken it may be - into something beautiful, reflecting Him, and then to lead our strong and hopeful yet softened hearts into a place of true joy.

So, as I enter into this season of change, and perhaps, as you do too - if protecting your heart is your prerogative, take it out of your charge, and give it to the one who is all-powerful, whose strength never fails.

It seems simple enough, doesn't it?

But can we trust God like this?

Can you?

Can I?

Maybe you are your own strength, but I can only boast in my weakness and cling to the one in whom my strength is found...and my joy is found...my hope is found...really, my everything is found! God.

He helps me to love again, to trust again, to hope again, to find my strength and to live victoriously - not simply endure. And on top of all of that, I know that my heart is so prized and valuable, that it is WORTH fighting for and to be won -- by someone that my King deems worthy. 

There's one last verse I want to leave you with to prove my whole point of our Lord being the ultimate guardian of our hearts: 

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give him thanks." - Pslam 28:7 

-A

Rain, rain, please come and stay

Dedicated to all of you who have ever had a blue and rainy friend float your way. 

Sometimes a blue, rainy feeling will mosey in

He’ll take a seat next to you and rest his head on your shoulder

like an old friend would.

And his presence next to you 

brings pain and relief

like when you realize the fears you had were true

and you exhale,

I thought so...

He's like that,

And he understands that you've been trying

for too long to be strong.

So you cry

and he cries

And for a moment,

It feels nice to cry

Right, to cry

But then the crying never stops

And his head never leaves your shoulder

all the while, your blouse is practically see-through

from all the tears that have been cried - 

your head aches a bit

and your nose wants to copy your eyes

And you wonder,

Will it always be like this?

Surely I’m all out of tears…

Yet, still more come

And it’s impossible to see anything

through eyes made weepy and bleary

and puffy by all of the tears that passed them by

You’ve lost so much already

and you know you have to lose him too -

Your dear, rainy companion

Because while the both of you kept crying,

the world kept going.

And though your world stopped

no one else’s followed suit.

So for this moment, though bittersweet,

it's time to let go of another friend,

because rain was never meant to stay -

even Noah saw a rainbow's bend. 

- A

Courage

{By Alison Sudol}

I spent so much of my life holding parts of myself so close, so tight
So afraid that if I opened my heart and my arms to the world, something terrible would come in
or something important would fall out.
I held my breath and my tongue
smiled when I was holding back tears
apologizing for so many things I didn’t do
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
always sorry sorry
I don’t know what for, why I was so sorry
or why I was so afraid of making mistakes
of being too quiet
or too loud,
of being unruly
or free.

And then one day
I decided that maybe I could try to learn how to live life a little differently
and maybe learn to enjoy it a little more
and start saying sorry a little less
(unless I actually did something worth apologizing for)
and I opened my arms a little bit, then a little more

nothing too terrible came in
maybe a few weird hugs that lingered too long
and a couple of jabs at the general rib vicinity here and there
but none of them really hurt too badly,
not permanently.

Something important did fall out, though
thoughts
real thoughts
unapologetic thoughts
and ideas
and actions,
art

music
film
belief
and love.

And my heart could breathe, and stretch out
and it was a lovely lovely feeling.

But then out came the fears, too
(since everything else was)
And they were big sharp-toothed growling snarling stupid drooling jerk-faced monster fears
and all I wanted to do was crawl under the bed

but then I remembered, that’s where the real monsters live
- so there went that plan.

There was nowhere to go but forward
into the fire
the fog
the who-knows-what-that-is
the unknown.

I looked at the fears in the face,
and lo and behold, started to laugh.
hard.
because they looked ridiculous.

Monsters are always funny-looking -
if you take away the scary music, turn on the lights and really look at them
it’s all chewing gum and corn syrup.
kind of sad in a way, like broken toys.

And I thought,
if I could only remember the way this feels,
I would never be afraid again.

And yet it’s funny,
how over and over again
I forget.

I start saying sorry again
and start wondering if I’ve been too quiet
or too loud
or if I’ve made a mistake somewhere along the way...

But I want to get to the end of my life knowing that I ran through it with my arms wide open
the wind rushing through my hair
crying the laughing kind of tears
and the regular kind
in equal measure

occasionally falling on my face
but always getting back up again

full of joy and sadness and passion and wonder

and maybe with a few scars to remind me of where I’ve been

somehow, in some tiny but definite way, having made the world a little better for living
fully
kindly
with love
integrity
and with unwavering faith in humanity.

I want to know that i made a path in the wilderness
and went somewhere new and beautiful every morning...
and left breadcrumbs behind me so others could follow if they wanted...

and that the life I lived, the life that I had loved with all my heart,
was nothing to be sorry for
and never had been.

something that’s also easy to forget
is that the future
starts
now.

The heart of a woman

Tell me I'm lovely

That I'm worth the fight.

or more, worth the wait.

Will you forget me when I'm gone?

If my lips are shut

and my hands can no longer write

if we're far apart

Will I quickly fade from your mind?

What if you couldn't know

What if you couldn't see

What if the road ahead was all twisted and turned

With no encouragement from me -

would your love remain?

Day after day you remarked on my worth

Treasured me and gave me your word.

You called me a princess

said that you'd go the distance

And in this moment I wonder

if I'm really worth it.

My sister said it before me,

I echo a similar cry,

"Place me like a seal over your heart,

like a seal on your arm;

for love is as strong as death -

unyielding as the grave."

And in return I long to hear

what my brother said to her,

"You have stolen my heart,

my sister, my bride;

you have stolen my heart

with one glance of your eyes."

Would the love you claimed remain?
Or do I wait for when
a truer love comes my way

I guess that feels like the ultimate love story to me...the love that grows even after I'm gone, when I'm out of sight, or far away. An enduring love that stands the test of time and space - like a wild fire that cannot be tamed; like the rain that can't be kept from falling to the earth.

- A

Acceptance

Acceptance.

It doesn't mean you've "moved on" or even that you've "gotten over it"

No, it's not that at all.

Acceptance is more than that, it's a deep assurance in your spirit that senses God's presence in the midst of the chaos and heartache.

Acceptance.

It isn't that you've "fallen out of love"

No, I love too deeply to ever fall out of it.

In fact, I may love even deeper in this acceptance, because it's when you seek out the other's higher good.

Acceptance.

It is when bitterness ceases. It is when we forgive. It is when we love purely. It is when we show genuine affection.

Acceptance.

It is when with open hands and outstretched arms we allow God in and allow Him to heal.

Acceptance.

It is fondly looking back on the past and knowing that though the present is difficult to figure out and the future is clouded at best, everything in this life happens for a reason.

Acceptance.

Maybe of circumstance, but perhaps more of God.

Acceptance of His love.

Acceptance of His sovereignty.

Acceptance of His heart for us.

Acceptance.

It is an acknowledgement of all elements of your heart:

- The love still etched in deep into you

- The confusion, the loss

- The assurance that in the love, in the pain, and in the heartache, you feel God has a wonderful plan in store.

- The surrender of your heart and all of it's emotions to the throne of the King, knowing that that is the safest place for your heart to be.

Acceptance.

Brings healing, hope, and perhaps more love than you knew was possible.

Acceptance.

"But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in your hand"

- Psalm 31:14-15

- A

Reason Number One: Location

What if you shared the same passion

Shared the same heart

Were compatible

Had overwhelming love for God and each other,

Just one thing came in the way...

Location.

What if everything else was what you had hoped for.
Every other aspect you shared.
If you found that you and them, your spirits,
were made of the same thing.

Yet just one thing came in the way...

Location.

What if no matter how hard you prayed,

It seemed like nothing would change.

And no matter what you could say,

God's face stayed the same.

And you wish one thing was different...

Location.

And you think of the ways, it could work

But it all seems impossible now.

You're convinced their memory of you will fade

That your love, they'll forget...

Yet, you still wish that'd some day you'd find your way to the same

Location.

Then as each moment passes, one day after the next...
They simply move on, but from your life they're still missed
In no time at all,
they've found somebody new
And you wonder if what separated you was really just
Location.

- A

Calling out to Father on those Other kinds of days.

Some days are better than Others

Others just hurt

I've been circling around asking questions

And I'm lower than the dirt

There are only two things I ask...

the first, to carry out Your plans

But the second, dare I say,

Is something I can't have

A hoarders dream house

Is the sad labyrinth of my mind

I'm imprisoned by circumstance,

Impossibilities, pain and time.

Like a wretched little girl,

Whose lost her best friend,

They talk of replacements

But that hurts worse in the end

There's only two things I ask for,

God, only two

I'd do anything to prove it...

I'd do anything

I'd do anything for you...

Just please Father, if there is any way

Please hear my cry

Please see my heart

I don't understand anymore

- A

Losing your footing

An excerpt from a daily devotional I read, authored by Max Lucado.

"God is strong and can help you not to fall." - Jude 24

"You and I are on a great climb.... You took your first step the day you confessed Christ as the Son of God.  He gave you his harness - the Holy Spirit.  In your hands he placed a rope - his Word.  Your first steps were confident and strong, but with the journey came weariness, and with the height came fear. You lost your footing.... For a moment, which seemed like forever, you tumbled wildly.... But then the rope tightened, and the tumble ceased.... And though you can't see your guide, you know him. You know he is strong. You know he is able to keep you from falling."

Safe & Sound

Lately I've been inspired, by this song.  Safe and Sound sung by Taylor Swift, is on the soundtrack for the movie The Hunger Games that premiered in theaters across the nation this last spring.  I don't know what it is about this song that just "gets me." Maybe it's the eerie breathiness, or the haunting harmonies, regardless it's shaking fingers touch my heart, its in my mind. What I find most poignant is how this sweet melancholy is bound within this song - a real pain, and a lingering hope.   

Sweet melancholy is one of the aspects of life I most appreciate. Now don't get me wrong, I don't particularly enjoy pain and I am not masochistic. However, I do have a poets soul and most times that keeps me floating somewhere above the ground, fully here, but not quite. This sweet melancholy, is in essence, leaning into the pain, and in that, recognizing the beauty of the present.

I feel very deeply, but I see the purpose in the hurt, the purpose in the trials.

I don't have this incredible strength or an optimism that overlooks all odds, or even a faith that stands firm and resolute.  And perhaps this is a way that I cope with allowing myself to feel, by turning everything into a poetic expression; regardless, it has helped me, in light of circumstances, to see the beauty that remains.  But I consider it a precious gift to be able to have my heart break and move towards unwavering hope, to feel at peace deep within my soul.

Some may ask: well, what's the point? Why go through this, if it only brings hurt?

My answer to that would be along these lines...
If by chance, my hurt, and journey from it can help a single soul, it has been worth it.  If I can relate, or hold someone's hand -  if I can sit with someone in a dark place, so they know they aren't alone, it has been worth it. If I can whisper hope, and visions of freedom into their ear, then it has been worth it.

Or, say in the case of love - whether it is Phileo, which is most often loosely defined as "brotherly love" or in a more romantic sense - what is it to mean to Agape love within those two contexts?  It's the idea that you love without abandon.  You love courageously, ultimately in the face of rejection or with the the realization that the other person may never understand that love or even reciprocate it.

In matters of the heart, there is incredible risk.  Most people harden up their hearts to protect themselves from getting hurt - and I understand that response, it's normal.  But to emulate the ultimate love I've experienced in my life, Christ's love for me, I recognize characteristics that are essential to not only love fully, but also live fully....

Christ never hesitates to pour out love, even in our unfaithfulness, which is for me, more often than I'd like to admit.  And when He pours it out, He withholds nothing.  He gives everything to people who don't deserve it, understand it, or even want it.

I don't avoid pain.  I don't hate it.  But I do understand it's role in my life.

And in the midst of pain, I know that I'll be safe and sound...

I remember tears streaming down your faceWhen I said, "I'll never let you go"When all those shadows almost killed your lightI remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone,"But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight 

Just close your eyesThe sun is going downYou'll be alrightNo one can hurt you nowCome morning lightYou and I'll be safe and sound 

Don't you dare look out your window darlingEverything's on fireThe war outside our door keeps raging onHold on to this lullabyEven when the music's goneGone 

Embrace the sweet melancholy, and keep stepping on.  Your life is a beautiful song.

Purpose & Needs

I was in the middle of an altar call. I was searching for some sort of encouragement, that God would use one of these pastors to confirm and speak into my life. I prayed under my breath, "God, please hear me. Please pour out your love on me." I heard him reply, "Anuhea, in private I will pour my love on you, but now, you need to open up your eyes to the hurt around you."

This is my purpose here. It reminds me of a prophetic word that I received this summer:
"you arent like the weak lamb that needs constant care. You are like the Shepard. this role requires more responsibility...the one always helping and rarely receiving help. God chose you for this role because He knows you can and will handle it."

I am so humbled that God would pick me. This role I know, breathes life and brings healing, I'm so honored that God would entrust me in this capacity. These hearts are of high importance to Him, so they must also be to me.

I try to be strong for others and for myself, but my heart needs strength, support, encouragement, care, grace, understanding and most importantly - unconditional, unending, all encompassing love, as I stumble my way through this process.

Dreamer

By surprise he crept in.
He moved so smoothly,
I was sure I was dreaming.
I turn around to see his beautiful face -
but he is gone.
He left me, just as quietly as he came.

2.0

Somewhere in the last year, I forgot the extent of God's love for me.  I forgot the ways in which he touched my heart. I forgot his tenderness and about his attention to detail.  I forgot that he wants to set my heart aflame with his love. I forgot that he is with me, always.

I want to walk consciously with that thought, that God is ALWAYS with me. It transforms thought and it shifts paradigms.

On a different note..............
I love Lord of the Rings.  My favorite character is Arwen, I want to be like her.  There is this fierce beauty to her.  She is both an elegant maiden and a warrior.  Tolkien describes her in the following way:

Young she was and yet not so. The braids of her dark hair were touched by no frost; her white arms and clear face were flawless and smooth, and the light of stars was in her bright eyes, grey as a cloudless night; yet queenly she looked, and thought and knowledge were in her glance, as of one who has known many things that the years bring.

Obviously, there is a bit of fantasy here, something I will never be able to physically attain...but I'd like to be captivating, and inviting, elegant and wise. I cannot strive to be like that though...it would defeat the purpose.  To be beautiful is to be at rest.  I cannot strive, instead I must be.  And to be, I must find myself in God. For it's his beauty that lasts.  My beauty is only a result of his.

1.0

A couple close girlfriends and I have started a quest. We are single, and important to many single girl's is her heart.  Our hearts, as women, are beautiful things.  They are like jewels, to be cherished and sought after.  Like the King's prized gems, they are kept locked away for a select few to enjoy, including himself. He gazes upon his jewels lovingly, he makes sure they shine brightly and beautifully.  To be this beautiful gem, however, the stone had to be chiseled, scrapped, smoothed, sanded, polished. The King desired them too much to leave them how they were, he knew that they were beautiful and deserved display, for others to look on their beauty in awe.  Had it not been for the King's fierce devotion to his crowned jewels, they would not be so beautiful.

So during the next 24 hours we are intentionally choosing love.  We are choosing love over our comfort.  We are choosing to throw ourselves into the arms of God in hopes that he will take our hearts and take care of them.

It's hard to release control, but it's necessary.  I know I cannot take as good of care of my heart as he can.  I need him to hold it.

Beginning this process, I've raked through my heart and have found that I am painfully insecure (something not completely surprising to discover).  This is not a competition.  I'm not meant to strive.  I'm meant to be, to exist, to live in the fullness of who I've been created to be.

What does that look like?  I don't know.
How do I be vulnerable while still protecting my heart? I don't know.

I suppose the only answer I do have, is that we must love people the way God has loved us.
I know that that means to love with the risk of that love not being returned.
It means to love selflessly.
It means to love passionately.
It means to love purely.
It means sacrifice.
It means surrendering your heart.
It means knowing your design.
It means giving grace, and allowing grace for yourself.
It means being intentional with relationships.
It means being tender.
It means loving honestly.

How do I do that while still "protecting my heart"? I don't know yet.

I hope that God will show me.  I desire to know his heart for me.

The truth about TRUE love

I was so impacted the other day when I read these lines ....

Love God—and Love People.

When you love God, you desire to know Him.

When you love people, you desire for them to know God.

It is not enough for us to know Jesus and not be inflamed by His passionate love for people.

It changes your perspective when you see people through God's eyes. How far am I willing to go for a single soul?

The only ones that will change the world are the ones who die to themselves and who are radically and passionately after the heart of God, who linger in the presence of God on a daily basis. It's only from that vine that we will bear good fruit.

My heart is yours God. I long for our heartbeats to be in sync, that I long to share your eyes, and I pray for your wisdom and strength to rise up and do something about what I see.

Woman

A poem I wrote about uncovering beauty and loving passionately.

Your heart and mine were intertwined.

A love from you was my heart's desire.

But I feared from loving would come loss,

and my faded spirit and features grew alike.

I wanted to enchant you

But I have caused your heart to doubt.

I wanted to embrace you

But I have made you feel alone.

I wanted it all, but I didn't know -  

I didn't know how to love you.

What once was brilliant quickly dimmed

and my wilting heart could not move yours.

My arm was bandaged tight, kept from sight

but undone I saw infection clawing at my heart.

In my darkness, dirt, disease, despair

came this piercing light and healing touch.

with one kiss I was unchained -

without those shackles, beauty reigned.

I discovered it was not in the skill of application

or in painstakingly perfecting disguise.

Beauty flows from faith, love and joy

to stir the sleeping back to life.

So my dearest love,

I pray you see this twisted rose uncurled - 

Unbound I love as a woman, not a hurting girl.