11.18.2009
11.12.2009
Epiphany of the day!!! a.k.a God's harsh reality check for us.
An interesting thought occured to me as I struggled today - what I do daily as God works on refining me.
It all began as I sat down for breakfast. 5 minutes before class was about to begin, I was polishing off my bowl of cereal when God clearly and distinctly said, "Love Me more than you love yourself."
As you can imagine, this statement left me speechless and slightly embarrassed. Then I got to thinkin', and the following are the results of my ponderin':
(I'll put this in list in order to make concrete what was just previously abstract)
1. You don't realize how much you love yourself until God asks you to love Him more than you love yourself.
2. And in shock you will mull this over...
3. You don't realize how difficult it is to love God more than yourself, once fully understanding ALL implications of that simple request.
*Simple - Ha! FAR from...*
4. It's only then, in this state, that we realize how self-serving we are, that we realize our narcissism, our love of self...
5. And in the midst of all of these thoughts floating around, unorganized within your head, another equally stretching thought passes through:
6. That though it has been about ourselves all along, we can't--even in our vast experience of self-serving--help ourselves along this time.
7. Rather, we STILL can't. We never could. We only thought we could.
8. And then you realize that when He asks you to love Him more than you love yourself, He's also asking us to recognize our capabilities and our limitations--
9. That not even when He asks us to love Him more than ourselves are we ABLE to do so!
*Just take a break here, get some water, stick your head out the window, do whatever you need 'cause we're going back for more*
10. Upon realizing your size and insignificance, all the reasons you held (perhaps subconsciously) for serving yourself, living for your own benefit, seem microscopic, smaller than an amoeba, smaller than an atom, smaller than electron, really really really small--
11. BECAUSE--*...this is good...*BECAUSE--we can't even help ourselves to love ourselves less than we love the Father!
*Just swim to the surface now and take a breather*
Refining is so uncomfortable!
The reason why I'm so adamant about this, is because as one currently affected by the refining process, I want to make sure that I go through it as soon as possible--self-serving, I know. However, this requires of me that I lay everything down.
My mom once told me this, "The easier the silver yields to the Silversmith, the less refinement the silver has to go through, the less the Silversmith has to work at it to get it smooth to where He can see His reflection in it."
I don't know about you, but I rather give in than drag my feet through this. The harsh reality is this (for those of us followers of Christ out there): refinement is inevitable--otherwise we are incapable of truly being servants of God. Your refinement might be different from mine, but it's refinement all the same.
This is what you CAN control, you can control your attitude, the attitude that affects the decision you will make regarding the difficulty, duration and intensity of the refinement.
It all began as I sat down for breakfast. 5 minutes before class was about to begin, I was polishing off my bowl of cereal when God clearly and distinctly said, "Love Me more than you love yourself."
As you can imagine, this statement left me speechless and slightly embarrassed. Then I got to thinkin', and the following are the results of my ponderin':
(I'll put this in list in order to make concrete what was just previously abstract)
1. You don't realize how much you love yourself until God asks you to love Him more than you love yourself.
2. And in shock you will mull this over...
3. You don't realize how difficult it is to love God more than yourself, once fully understanding ALL implications of that simple request.
*Simple - Ha! FAR from...*
4. It's only then, in this state, that we realize how self-serving we are, that we realize our narcissism, our love of self...
5. And in the midst of all of these thoughts floating around, unorganized within your head, another equally stretching thought passes through:
6. That though it has been about ourselves all along, we can't--even in our vast experience of self-serving--help ourselves along this time.
7. Rather, we STILL can't. We never could. We only thought we could.
8. And then you realize that when He asks you to love Him more than you love yourself, He's also asking us to recognize our capabilities and our limitations--
9. That not even when He asks us to love Him more than ourselves are we ABLE to do so!
*Just take a break here, get some water, stick your head out the window, do whatever you need 'cause we're going back for more*
10. Upon realizing your size and insignificance, all the reasons you held (perhaps subconsciously) for serving yourself, living for your own benefit, seem microscopic, smaller than an amoeba, smaller than an atom, smaller than electron, really really really small--
11. BECAUSE--*...this is good...*BECAUSE--we can't even help ourselves to love ourselves less than we love the Father!
*Just swim to the surface now and take a breather*
Refining is so uncomfortable!
The reason why I'm so adamant about this, is because as one currently affected by the refining process, I want to make sure that I go through it as soon as possible--self-serving, I know. However, this requires of me that I lay everything down.
My mom once told me this, "The easier the silver yields to the Silversmith, the less refinement the silver has to go through, the less the Silversmith has to work at it to get it smooth to where He can see His reflection in it."
I don't know about you, but I rather give in than drag my feet through this. The harsh reality is this (for those of us followers of Christ out there): refinement is inevitable--otherwise we are incapable of truly being servants of God. Your refinement might be different from mine, but it's refinement all the same.
This is what you CAN control, you can control your attitude, the attitude that affects the decision you will make regarding the difficulty, duration and intensity of the refinement.
10.03.2009
My Hope is You
Lately I've been reading this blog.
Lately I've been going through trials of my own. Feeling trapped in my own life, feeling trapped in my own world. But upon reading this blog, starting from the beginning of her trials, mine dwarf in comparison.
Now, I'm not here to compare, rather to put into perspective my own trials - that my seemingly large problems and my deep valleys are nothing more than speed bumps and potholes.
Last night I didn't quite blame God for the hurt I've felt, but I was very close. And that distrust, that anger is exactly where the enemy wants me to hold onto, to dwell upon. Instead, I force myself to remember all of my hope and joy that He gives me, hoping that if I force it long enough, it will become real.
I have to grasp tightly onto the promises that God has given me, the love he promises to me and gives me freely and I must remember that when He is with me, I can make it through anything, "God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day." Psalm 46:5
Lately I've been going through trials of my own. Feeling trapped in my own life, feeling trapped in my own world. But upon reading this blog, starting from the beginning of her trials, mine dwarf in comparison.
Now, I'm not here to compare, rather to put into perspective my own trials - that my seemingly large problems and my deep valleys are nothing more than speed bumps and potholes.
Last night I didn't quite blame God for the hurt I've felt, but I was very close. And that distrust, that anger is exactly where the enemy wants me to hold onto, to dwell upon. Instead, I force myself to remember all of my hope and joy that He gives me, hoping that if I force it long enough, it will become real.
I have to grasp tightly onto the promises that God has given me, the love he promises to me and gives me freely and I must remember that when He is with me, I can make it through anything, "God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day." Psalm 46:5
10.01.2009
9.29.2009
My mind speaks louder than my voice
Usually, I don't mind being by myself. I'm never really lonely.
Today might have been an exception though.
I had one of those dreams that felt exceptionally real.
- You know the ones I'm talking about right?
Well, I woke up confused and disappointed.
A guy I haven't thought about in years had a
starring role in this dream of mine. And it hurt terribly.
But such is life, right?
So I went to lunch alone, got my food alone, sat alone and ate alone
And I was surprisingly okay - seems I recovered well from the both
uplifting and spirit-crushing dream of mine.
In fact, I said a quick prayer while friends of mine filed in
that went a little like this, "Please, don't let anyone sit by me."
No one did.
That says one of two things: 1) I have no "friends" 2) God respected my request
I'm going to go with the latter.
Though I do feel a need to convince you
that I'm not as much of a loner as I seem...it's just been one of those days.
As I sat there, I began to consciously think about the random thoughts
that passed through my head.
Let me leave you with an example - This series occurred within the span of 30 seconds:
[As I looked at this girl walk past me]
She's from Alaska
I kinda like how she looks
She looks warm
It's cold outside, nice and gray, love this weather
She's probably used to this because she's from Alaska
She looks happy. I wonder if she ski's a lot?
She looks a little tired, is that coffee she's drinking?
I wonder if that's how she looks when she's at the ski resort.
Must be fun.
Maybe I'll do graduate school in Alaska.
I always liked Alaska, it's pretty there.
Then I want to live in Northern California for a couple years
I love it there too.
Wow, I would have lived in almost every state on the west coast except for Oregon
Never really had a desire to live in Oregon
What do I like about her and the fact that she's from Alaska?
I don't think I would like the shorter days...
There's probably places in Northern California similar to Alaska right?
Maybe I won't do graduate school in Alaska.
I'll just stick to the original plan of Northern California.
Yup.
Mmmmmmm this coffee is nice and warm -
Ek! Whoops she just got her scarf in her soup...gross.
That sucks.
Welcome to my thought process. Stellar isn't it?
I had one of those dreams that felt exceptionally real.
- You know the ones I'm talking about right?
Well, I woke up confused and disappointed.
A guy I haven't thought about in years had a
starring role in this dream of mine. And it hurt terribly.
But such is life, right?
So I went to lunch alone, got my food alone, sat alone and ate alone
And I was surprisingly okay - seems I recovered well from the both
uplifting and spirit-crushing dream of mine.
In fact, I said a quick prayer while friends of mine filed in
that went a little like this, "Please, don't let anyone sit by me."
No one did.
That says one of two things: 1) I have no "friends" 2) God respected my request
I'm going to go with the latter.
Though I do feel a need to convince you
that I'm not as much of a loner as I seem...it's just been one of those days.
As I sat there, I began to consciously think about the random thoughts
that passed through my head.
Let me leave you with an example - This series occurred within the span of 30 seconds:
[As I looked at this girl walk past me]
She's from Alaska
I kinda like how she looks
She looks warm
It's cold outside, nice and gray, love this weather
She's probably used to this because she's from Alaska
She looks happy. I wonder if she ski's a lot?
She looks a little tired, is that coffee she's drinking?
I wonder if that's how she looks when she's at the ski resort.
Must be fun.
Maybe I'll do graduate school in Alaska.
I always liked Alaska, it's pretty there.
Then I want to live in Northern California for a couple years
I love it there too.
Wow, I would have lived in almost every state on the west coast except for Oregon
Never really had a desire to live in Oregon
What do I like about her and the fact that she's from Alaska?
I don't think I would like the shorter days...
There's probably places in Northern California similar to Alaska right?
Maybe I won't do graduate school in Alaska.
I'll just stick to the original plan of Northern California.
Yup.
Mmmmmmm this coffee is nice and warm -
Ek! Whoops she just got her scarf in her soup...gross.
That sucks.
Welcome to my thought process. Stellar isn't it?
9.28.2009
19 Candles in my sugar-fat-oil-free-chocolate-brownie cake
Yesterday was my birthday.
19 years gone, 19 years lived.
I always liked the month of September, change happens during September.
The air gets cooler, the days get shorter, people snuggle up closer
- it's a nice break from the 3 month
block of overwhelming heat and humidity called Summer.
Not a huge fan of humidity, big fan of my birthday though.
The air gets cooler, the days get shorter, people snuggle up closer
- it's a nice break from the 3 month
block of overwhelming heat and humidity called Summer.
Not a huge fan of humidity, big fan of my birthday though.
I had a birthday weekend of sorts and I am more certain now than ever before that I have
some of the most loving people known to creation in MY life!
some of the most loving people known to creation in MY life!
And so the birthday weekend of sorts begins with a night filled with silly
shenanigans around downtown Kirkland:
shenanigans around downtown Kirkland:
Day 2 of birthday weekend was unfortunately not documented =(we won't make that mistake again.
But to fill you in- I got a haircut, manicure and pedicure.
And what the heck, I'll just include
a random picture for consistencies sake...
I searched "Life" in DeviantArt and this beauty popped up.I like it. It's happy. Check out the original image here
Day 3: Birthday day is here!
I woke up that morning having forgotten
that it was my birthday.
Who knew that at 19 my
memory would start to go.
ANYWAYS
It began with a nice breakfast and church with friends,
it ended with a late lunch at my teammates cousins' house where her parents cooked for us.
follow that? =)
I woke up that morning having forgotten
that it was my birthday.
Who knew that at 19 my
memory would start to go.
ANYWAYS
It began with a nice breakfast and church with friends,
it ended with a late lunch at my teammates cousins' house where her parents cooked for us.
follow that? =)
They baked for me! I didn't even expect it!
And it was such a nice surprise
19th birthday, down. How many "th's" to go, unknown.
Time spent on Earth thus far, precious.
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