How to Guard a Heart

If any one of you have ever been in a relationship before and have gotten your heart broken, you know the process is especially painful.

Yes, as if the break wasn't bad enough, it seems that everything reminds you of them. For me, even one suggestion of them (no matter how subtle or slight or even indirect) lifted the flood gates and brought in a whole slew of emotions and memories.

Sometimes, sleep is your worst nightmare - which makes things very difficult when it seems all you want to do is sleep - but whilst asleep, you dream about them. For me, it was one of three things: 1) we broke up over and over again; 2) I watched as he fell in love with someone new; or 3) some terrible combination of the previous two in which I am completely rejected. I woke up, every day exhausted, sad, and already defeated.

Then, when they move on and you still have a them-shaped hole in your heart, it feels like a knife has been stabbed into the hole that seemed to be healing. And you hurt all over again, exposed and raw.

As a woman, I often question my value and worth. And though I would LOVE to say that my identity is found solely and completely in God. It's in painful moments like these when I realize how easily I bruise, and how truly unstable even my most basic ideas of identity and worth are as a Christian and as a woman.

The mind is terrible at times. It's powerful, and it is often the primary place of attack from the enemy of our souls.

I used to be all about soaking in the hurt. I didn't mean to, but it's like I couldn't help it. I really hurt and these "peace" and "joy" characters certainly didn't feel very present in my reality. I would often wake up and think to myself, "so this is another day I must endure. I wonder if I will always feel this empty and sad and alone."

But that was the old me...the me for as long as I can remember.
And now I'm changing. And change is painful, but mostly good.

Having been broken in more ways than I thought possible, I've become less, and have taken on more of Him. That makes sense when you think that in our brokenness we are often sustained by His healing presence - that is, if we let Him.

So, here I am...totally and completely broken, but held together and fortified by the UNCONDITIONAL, NEVER ENDING love of my Saviour, my King, which gives me strength and hope and breathes life and light back into the lifeless darkness I've been calling home.

Proverbs 4:23 says "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

Often people can read that verse and believe it is their responsibility to be the 'guard' this verse talks about, but if you know anything about humans...we aren't so great at being impenetrably strong. At least, most of the humans I know. And even if you are an exception to this rule, you aren't the BEST guard - I mean, don't get offended, how could you be? You don't see all the moving pieces and even your greatest efforts of strength have an expiry date.

The best way I know how to guard my heart is to place it the strongest hands I know - God's.

'Above all else, guard your heart'?
If with God, the almighty, omnipotent one, my heart is found - seems like it'd be pretty safe there.

'For everything you do flows from it...'
If my heart is in God's hands, that means I'm surrounded by Him. I'm enveloped by Him. All senses are cut off - I see only Him. I'm overwhelmed by Him. And soon my actions will reflect my changed environment. Almost like, His touch rubs off on me.

Another aspect of this verse that shouldn't be overlooked is the sheer value and price put on our hearts. Your heart, my heart.

"Above all else" -- wow, God talks about my heart like it's the Kingdom's most prized possession...and to Him, it is.

Your heart, my heart, is of immeasurable worth and value to God.

It is in knowing that He values it that much that we also know we can trust Him with it. To not only guard it well, but to turn it - however broken it may be - into something beautiful, reflecting Him, and then to lead our strong and hopeful yet softened hearts into a place of true joy.

So, as I enter into this season of change, and perhaps, as you do too - if protecting your heart is your prerogative, take it out of your charge, and give it to the one who is all-powerful, whose strength never fails.

It seems simple enough, doesn't it?

But can we trust God like this?

Can you?

Can I?

Maybe you are your own strength, but I can only boast in my weakness and cling to the one in whom my strength is found...and my joy is found...my hope is found...really, my everything is found! God.

He helps me to love again, to trust again, to hope again, to find my strength and to live victoriously - not simply endure. And on top of all of that, I know that my heart is so prized and valuable, that it is WORTH fighting for and to be won -- by someone that my King deems worthy. 

There's one last verse I want to leave you with to prove my whole point of our Lord being the ultimate guardian of our hearts: 

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give him thanks." - Pslam 28:7 

-A

The truth about TRUE love

I was so impacted the other day when I read these lines ....

Love God—and Love People.

When you love God, you desire to know Him.

When you love people, you desire for them to know God.

It is not enough for us to know Jesus and not be inflamed by His passionate love for people.

It changes your perspective when you see people through God's eyes. How far am I willing to go for a single soul?

The only ones that will change the world are the ones who die to themselves and who are radically and passionately after the heart of God, who linger in the presence of God on a daily basis. It's only from that vine that we will bear good fruit.

My heart is yours God. I long for our heartbeats to be in sync, that I long to share your eyes, and I pray for your wisdom and strength to rise up and do something about what I see.

Woman

A poem I wrote about uncovering beauty and loving passionately.

Your heart and mine were intertwined.

A love from you was my heart's desire.

But I feared from loving would come loss,

and my faded spirit and features grew alike.

I wanted to enchant you

But I have caused your heart to doubt.

I wanted to embrace you

But I have made you feel alone.

I wanted it all, but I didn't know -  

I didn't know how to love you.

What once was brilliant quickly dimmed

and my wilting heart could not move yours.

My arm was bandaged tight, kept from sight

but undone I saw infection clawing at my heart.

In my darkness, dirt, disease, despair

came this piercing light and healing touch.

with one kiss I was unchained -

without those shackles, beauty reigned.

I discovered it was not in the skill of application

or in painstakingly perfecting disguise.

Beauty flows from faith, love and joy

to stir the sleeping back to life.

So my dearest love,

I pray you see this twisted rose uncurled - 

Unbound I love as a woman, not a hurting girl.

Homesick

A poem I wrote about chasing after love but never finding satisfaction.



We walk aimlessly
Down empty streets
And shaded alleys
For love we cannot find. 

Behind corner stores,
Between the grocery shelves,
Burried in crowded rows, and
Beyond uncaring screens – we search. 

We even crack the spine,
read the turn of riddled lines,
but find them empty too.

Surely, filled with love,
but none for you. 

Whilst lovers roam, desperately,
some believe they find the key.
But still they see they lack a single piece.
Such a strange, large spot to fill. 

I’ve witnessed none like it before -
Amongst the shelves, the streets or screens.
We still believe a gem is there amongst
the grime and dirt we see. 

Some find one they think may fit.
But trying they can't touch fingertips. 

Others, seem to fill the space,
but it hurts when shoved into place. 

We're either left with gaping holes, or we suffocate. 

Lovesick. 
Perhaps, homesick –
is what we really are.

Surrender

I'm falling in love with so much more than me.

This is a poem I wrote called "Surrender" It's about laying down your heart for God's heart. It's about searching after the ultimate love.

When I alone plan the course before

Less grace upon my head is poured

So I give up my heart to all of you

When I seek to gain an honored place

I know that I may fall from grace

So I give up my heart to all of you

When I pray that I may find true love

I fix my eyes on things above

And I give up my heart to all of you

When I think upon my hopes and dreams

And I pray about what might be

I give up my heart to all of you

It’s in you a put my trust,

It’s in you I put my faith,

It’s in you that all my dreams come true.

You are my everlasting love

On you I set my sights upon

In you I find true love and happiness.

You are enough,

You are enough,

You are enough for me.

So I give up my heart to all of you.

     It's hard to give up your heart, but God doesn't mistreat it.  God takes our hearts, heals the damage that's been done to it. He treats it like the precious treasure that it is. Proverbs 4:23

     It hurts because he refuses to just give us a band-aid, he removes the splinter and medicates the wound.  He loves us too much to let us live with an infection. Even if, like a young child, we fight and thrash and protest against His aid. Or when tears roll down our cheeks from the pain of removal. But He saves us from infection, or perhaps a fate far worse than that. Jeremiah 33:6

     All the while, He sees us through, comforting us. He gives us hope, love and the faith to dream of more than we would have previously settle for - because we didn't know our worth, we didn't know how the father has always seen us. Romans 8:29-32

     Dream big, all the while surrendering all of yourself to all of Him. The deeper we seek after God, the more our hearts align with His-the more our desries align with His. Matthew 6:21

     When we are seeking after the things of the Lord, it is far more likely that our desires will be given to us. Psalm 37:4-6    

     And in His perfect timing, He will bring about the truest, deepest, desires of our hearts. Ephesians 3:17b-20 

     If God is "good" than He is always good - even in our lack. Psalm 107:9

The Tin

I wrote this poem "The Tin" about my current state-of-being.

I woke up between worlds
in the green and quiet place.
The stillness overcomes me.
Becomes me.

Merged into one
I feel the heartbeat of the earth.
My lungs fill with each
breath it takes
It inhales, I exhale.

Patched by fabric and velcro
Kept together by glue and twine
Fastened tightly by bolts and screws
I try my best to keep from falling apart.

But they did not hold,
my joints bend and creak under
the weight.

But I've made it to this place.
Though I didn't walk here alone
I recall from my rusting stupor,
memories of weightlessness
and blurred floor beneath me.

In this green and quiet place
my hands are no longer made of iron,
my feet no longer made of lead,
and my heart no longer forged of steel.
for the first time, I feel -
I breathe.

I dig at a memory -
that I may have breathed before.
But it's distant and vague,
and like a phantom, it slips
away.

With a raven-haired halo,
I listen to our shared breaths,
feel the pulse of our hearts.

I inhale the sweet smell of pine
And exhale a garden.

There is life in this place –
where the river giggles past
and the water kisses the bank,
healing the edge.

There is shelter in this place -
where the trees grow tall
and shade the earth,
craddle the ground.

There is joy in this place –
where the birds sing cheerfully,
exchanging wholesome vows,
secret melodies.

There is love in this place –
where the water and the
trees and the birds
take care of me.

Lying here,
I breathe in your fragrance,
I can nearly taste your sweetness
on my lips. And I long to move
from the inbetween,
into your arms.

Epiphany of the day!!! a.k.a God's harsh reality check for us.

An interesting thought occured to me as I struggled today - what I do daily as God works on refining me.

It all began as I sat down for breakfast. 5 minutes before class was about to begin, I was polishing off my bowl of cereal when God clearly and distinctly said, "Love Me more than you love yourself."

As you can imagine, this statement left me speechless and slightly embarrassed. Then I got to thinkin', and the following are the results of my ponderin':

(I'll put this in list in order to make concrete what was just previously abstract)

1. You don't realize how much you love yourself until God asks you to love Him more than you love yourself.

2. And in shock you will mull this over...

3. You don't realize how difficult it is to love God more than yourself, once fully understanding ALL implications of that simple request.

*Simple - Ha! FAR from...*

4. It's only then, in this state, that we realize how self-serving we are, that we realize our narcissism, our love of self...

5. And in the midst of all of these thoughts floating around, unorganized within your head, another equally stretching thought passes through:

6. That though it has been about ourselves all along, we can't--even in our vast experience of self-serving--help ourselves along this time.

7. Rather, we STILL can't. We never could. We only thought we could.

8. And then you realize that when He asks you to love Him more than you love yourself, He's also asking us to recognize our capabilities and our limitations--

9. That not even when He asks us to love Him more than ourselves are we ABLE to do so!

*Just take a break here, get some water, stick your head out the window, do whatever you need 'cause we're going back for more*

10. Upon realizing your size and insignificance, all the reasons you held (perhaps subconsciously) for serving yourself, living for your own benefit, seem microscopic, smaller than an amoeba, smaller than an atom, smaller than electron, really really really small--

11. BECAUSE--*...this is good...*BECAUSE--we can't even help ourselves to love ourselves less than we love the Father!

*Just swim to the surface now and take a breather*

Refining is so uncomfortable!

The reason why I'm so adamant about this, is because as one currently affected by the refining process, I want to make sure that I go through it as soon as possible--self-serving, I know. However, this requires of me that I lay everything down.

My mom once told me this, "The easier the silver yields to the Silversmith, the less refinement the silver has to go through, the less the Silversmith has to work at it to get it smooth to where He can see His reflection in it."

I don't know about you, but I rather give in than drag my feet through this. The harsh reality is this (for those of us followers of Christ out there): refinement is inevitable--otherwise we are incapable of truly being servants of God. Your refinement might be different from mine, but it's refinement all the same.

This is what you CAN control, you can control your attitude, the attitude that affects the decision you will make regarding the difficulty, duration and intensity of the refinement.

My Hope is You

Lately I've been reading this blog.

Lately I've been going through trials of my own. Feeling trapped in my own life, feeling trapped in my own world. But upon reading this blog, starting from the beginning of her trials, mine dwarf in comparison.

Now, I'm not here to compare, rather to put into perspective my own trials - that my seemingly large problems and my deep valleys are nothing more than speed bumps and potholes.

Last night I didn't quite blame God for the hurt I've felt, but I was very close. And that distrust, that anger is exactly where the enemy wants me to hold onto, to dwell upon. Instead, I force myself to remember all of my hope and joy that He gives me, hoping that if I force it long enough, it will become real.

I have to grasp tightly onto the promises that God has given me, the love he promises to me and gives me freely and I must remember that when He is with me, I can make it through anything, "God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day." Psalm 46:5