Moon and Back

Perhaps it's nitpicky, but I've never really liked the phrase "I love you to the moon and back."

I've seen people get so ushy-gushy romantic, or sweet and sentimental about it, as if that phrase was a huge testament of love.

All that phrase makes me think is, why such a short distance? 

Now, I know the moon is quite a distance for us to travel (especially on a daily basis). I mean logistically speaking how often do we get our hands on a spaceship, right? But still, something about it feels limited. 

I don't get warm fuzzies, I start questioning. Why just to the moon? And is this a single trip to the moon? Do you only love me one trip to the moon and back?

I suppose, I take love very seriously.  I think of the people I have claimed to love, and I'd do more than go to the moon and back for them, I'd lay down my life for them. Further, I've encountered His amazing love, which in return has caused me to want to love others with proportionate extravagance.

1 John 4 talks about abiding in Christ's love and allowing that to cause an overflow into the lives of others around us - that His love would be made manifest in our worlds. Christ's love was characterized by dizzying patience, incomprehensible grace, unbelievable sacrifice, and depth we can't begin to fathom - that's the kind of love we're supposed to emulate.

As Christians, we shouldn't simply love people to the moon and back, we should love them to infinity and beyond.

To infinity and beyond.

That's more like it. 

-A

Thursday Love

I realize that it has been awhile since I posted.

I have no excuse except that I've been so busy and my thoughts are impossibly difficult to untangle at the moment.  The single purpose for posting this is that it brought a smile to my face that I have yet to lose. So I felt like it was a worthwhile share :)

I hope that life is treating you lovingly. 

If you have seen more loving days, I hope you are able to find the beauty yet still around you.

xx

- A

You will never leave me thirsty

Today, this song was especially poignant.  

It reflects my heart today.  Heck, it reflects me today, my posture today. It is the state of today.  

And, I suppose, sometimes it feels nice to have someone sing back to you your diary because it makes you realize you're not so alone after all. In fact, you're kind of...normal. 

"Find You On My Knees"

{By Kari Jobe}

Troubles chasing me again,

Breaking down my best defense,

I'm looking, God, I'm looking for you

Weary just won't let me rest and fear is filing up my head.

I'm longing, God I'm longing for you

But I will find you in the place I'm in,

find you when I'm at my end,

find you when there's nothing left of me 

to offer you except for brokenness.

You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty

When I am weak, when I am lost and searching

I'll find you on my knees.

So what if sorrow shakes my faith,

what if heartache still remains,

I'll trust you, my God I'll trust you.

'Cause You are faithful and

I will find you in the place I'm in,

find you when I'm at my end,

find you when there's nothing left of me 

to offer you except for brokenness.

You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty

When I am weak, when I am lost and searching

I'll find you on my knees.

When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong

When the pain is real, when it's hard to heal

When my faith is shaken and my heart is broken

and my joy is stolen, God I know that

You lift me up, you'll never leave me searching,

find you in the place I'm in, 

find you when I'm at my end,

find you when there's nothing left of me 

to offer you except for brokenness.

You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty

When I am weak, when I am lost and searching

I'll find you on my knees.

Life Quote

How to Guard a Heart

If any one of you have ever been in a relationship before and have gotten your heart broken, you know the process is especially painful.

Yes, as if the break wasn't bad enough, it seems that everything reminds you of them. For me, even one suggestion of them (no matter how subtle or slight or even indirect) lifted the flood gates and brought in a whole slew of emotions and memories.

Sometimes, sleep is your worst nightmare - which makes things very difficult when it seems all you want to do is sleep - but whilst asleep, you dream about them. For me, it was one of three things: 1) we broke up over and over again; 2) I watched as he fell in love with someone new; or 3) some terrible combination of the previous two in which I am completely rejected. I woke up, every day exhausted, sad, and already defeated.

Then, when they move on and you still have a them-shaped hole in your heart, it feels like a knife has been stabbed into the hole that seemed to be healing. And you hurt all over again, exposed and raw.

As a woman, I often question my value and worth. And though I would LOVE to say that my identity is found solely and completely in God. It's in painful moments like these when I realize how easily I bruise, and how truly unstable even my most basic ideas of identity and worth are as a Christian and as a woman.

The mind is terrible at times. It's powerful, and it is often the primary place of attack from the enemy of our souls.

I used to be all about soaking in the hurt. I didn't mean to, but it's like I couldn't help it. I really hurt and these "peace" and "joy" characters certainly didn't feel very present in my reality. I would often wake up and think to myself, "so this is another day I must endure. I wonder if I will always feel this empty and sad and alone."

But that was the old me...the me for as long as I can remember.
And now I'm changing. And change is painful, but mostly good.

Having been broken in more ways than I thought possible, I've become less, and have taken on more of Him. That makes sense when you think that in our brokenness we are often sustained by His healing presence - that is, if we let Him.

So, here I am...totally and completely broken, but held together and fortified by the UNCONDITIONAL, NEVER ENDING love of my Saviour, my King, which gives me strength and hope and breathes life and light back into the lifeless darkness I've been calling home.

Proverbs 4:23 says "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

Often people can read that verse and believe it is their responsibility to be the 'guard' this verse talks about, but if you know anything about humans...we aren't so great at being impenetrably strong. At least, most of the humans I know. And even if you are an exception to this rule, you aren't the BEST guard - I mean, don't get offended, how could you be? You don't see all the moving pieces and even your greatest efforts of strength have an expiry date.

The best way I know how to guard my heart is to place it the strongest hands I know - God's.

'Above all else, guard your heart'?
If with God, the almighty, omnipotent one, my heart is found - seems like it'd be pretty safe there.

'For everything you do flows from it...'
If my heart is in God's hands, that means I'm surrounded by Him. I'm enveloped by Him. All senses are cut off - I see only Him. I'm overwhelmed by Him. And soon my actions will reflect my changed environment. Almost like, His touch rubs off on me.

Another aspect of this verse that shouldn't be overlooked is the sheer value and price put on our hearts. Your heart, my heart.

"Above all else" -- wow, God talks about my heart like it's the Kingdom's most prized possession...and to Him, it is.

Your heart, my heart, is of immeasurable worth and value to God.

It is in knowing that He values it that much that we also know we can trust Him with it. To not only guard it well, but to turn it - however broken it may be - into something beautiful, reflecting Him, and then to lead our strong and hopeful yet softened hearts into a place of true joy.

So, as I enter into this season of change, and perhaps, as you do too - if protecting your heart is your prerogative, take it out of your charge, and give it to the one who is all-powerful, whose strength never fails.

It seems simple enough, doesn't it?

But can we trust God like this?

Can you?

Can I?

Maybe you are your own strength, but I can only boast in my weakness and cling to the one in whom my strength is found...and my joy is found...my hope is found...really, my everything is found! God.

He helps me to love again, to trust again, to hope again, to find my strength and to live victoriously - not simply endure. And on top of all of that, I know that my heart is so prized and valuable, that it is WORTH fighting for and to be won -- by someone that my King deems worthy. 

There's one last verse I want to leave you with to prove my whole point of our Lord being the ultimate guardian of our hearts: 

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give him thanks." - Pslam 28:7 

-A

Rain, rain, please come and stay

Dedicated to all of you who have ever had a blue and rainy friend float your way. 

Sometimes a blue, rainy feeling will mosey in

He’ll take a seat next to you and rest his head on your shoulder

like an old friend would.

And his presence next to you 

brings pain and relief

like when you realize the fears you had were true

and you exhale,

I thought so...

He's like that,

And he understands that you've been trying

for too long to be strong.

So you cry

and he cries

And for a moment,

It feels nice to cry

Right, to cry

But then the crying never stops

And his head never leaves your shoulder

all the while, your blouse is practically see-through

from all the tears that have been cried - 

your head aches a bit

and your nose wants to copy your eyes

And you wonder,

Will it always be like this?

Surely I’m all out of tears…

Yet, still more come

And it’s impossible to see anything

through eyes made weepy and bleary

and puffy by all of the tears that passed them by

You’ve lost so much already

and you know you have to lose him too -

Your dear, rainy companion

Because while the both of you kept crying,

the world kept going.

And though your world stopped

no one else’s followed suit.

So for this moment, though bittersweet,

it's time to let go of another friend,

because rain was never meant to stay -

even Noah saw a rainbow's bend. 

- A

Courage

{By Alison Sudol}

I spent so much of my life holding parts of myself so close, so tight
So afraid that if I opened my heart and my arms to the world, something terrible would come in
or something important would fall out.
I held my breath and my tongue
smiled when I was holding back tears
apologizing for so many things I didn’t do
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
always sorry sorry
I don’t know what for, why I was so sorry
or why I was so afraid of making mistakes
of being too quiet
or too loud,
of being unruly
or free.

And then one day
I decided that maybe I could try to learn how to live life a little differently
and maybe learn to enjoy it a little more
and start saying sorry a little less
(unless I actually did something worth apologizing for)
and I opened my arms a little bit, then a little more

nothing too terrible came in
maybe a few weird hugs that lingered too long
and a couple of jabs at the general rib vicinity here and there
but none of them really hurt too badly,
not permanently.

Something important did fall out, though
thoughts
real thoughts
unapologetic thoughts
and ideas
and actions,
art

music
film
belief
and love.

And my heart could breathe, and stretch out
and it was a lovely lovely feeling.

But then out came the fears, too
(since everything else was)
And they were big sharp-toothed growling snarling stupid drooling jerk-faced monster fears
and all I wanted to do was crawl under the bed

but then I remembered, that’s where the real monsters live
- so there went that plan.

There was nowhere to go but forward
into the fire
the fog
the who-knows-what-that-is
the unknown.

I looked at the fears in the face,
and lo and behold, started to laugh.
hard.
because they looked ridiculous.

Monsters are always funny-looking -
if you take away the scary music, turn on the lights and really look at them
it’s all chewing gum and corn syrup.
kind of sad in a way, like broken toys.

And I thought,
if I could only remember the way this feels,
I would never be afraid again.

And yet it’s funny,
how over and over again
I forget.

I start saying sorry again
and start wondering if I’ve been too quiet
or too loud
or if I’ve made a mistake somewhere along the way...

But I want to get to the end of my life knowing that I ran through it with my arms wide open
the wind rushing through my hair
crying the laughing kind of tears
and the regular kind
in equal measure

occasionally falling on my face
but always getting back up again

full of joy and sadness and passion and wonder

and maybe with a few scars to remind me of where I’ve been

somehow, in some tiny but definite way, having made the world a little better for living
fully
kindly
with love
integrity
and with unwavering faith in humanity.

I want to know that i made a path in the wilderness
and went somewhere new and beautiful every morning...
and left breadcrumbs behind me so others could follow if they wanted...

and that the life I lived, the life that I had loved with all my heart,
was nothing to be sorry for
and never had been.

something that’s also easy to forget
is that the future
starts
now.

The heart of a woman

Tell me I'm lovely

That I'm worth the fight.

or more, worth the wait.

Will you forget me when I'm gone?

If my lips are shut

and my hands can no longer write

if we're far apart

Will I quickly fade from your mind?

What if you couldn't know

What if you couldn't see

What if the road ahead was all twisted and turned

With no encouragement from me -

would your love remain?

Day after day you remarked on my worth

Treasured me and gave me your word.

You called me a princess

said that you'd go the distance

And in this moment I wonder

if I'm really worth it.

My sister said it before me,

I echo a similar cry,

"Place me like a seal over your heart,

like a seal on your arm;

for love is as strong as death -

unyielding as the grave."

And in return I long to hear

what my brother said to her,

"You have stolen my heart,

my sister, my bride;

you have stolen my heart

with one glance of your eyes."

Would the love you claimed remain?
Or do I wait for when
a truer love comes my way

I guess that feels like the ultimate love story to me...the love that grows even after I'm gone, when I'm out of sight, or far away. An enduring love that stands the test of time and space - like a wild fire that cannot be tamed; like the rain that can't be kept from falling to the earth.

- A

Acceptance

Acceptance.

It doesn't mean you've "moved on" or even that you've "gotten over it"

No, it's not that at all.

Acceptance is more than that, it's a deep assurance in your spirit that senses God's presence in the midst of the chaos and heartache.

Acceptance.

It isn't that you've "fallen out of love"

No, I love too deeply to ever fall out of it.

In fact, I may love even deeper in this acceptance, because it's when you seek out the other's higher good.

Acceptance.

It is when bitterness ceases. It is when we forgive. It is when we love purely. It is when we show genuine affection.

Acceptance.

It is when with open hands and outstretched arms we allow God in and allow Him to heal.

Acceptance.

It is fondly looking back on the past and knowing that though the present is difficult to figure out and the future is clouded at best, everything in this life happens for a reason.

Acceptance.

Maybe of circumstance, but perhaps more of God.

Acceptance of His love.

Acceptance of His sovereignty.

Acceptance of His heart for us.

Acceptance.

It is an acknowledgement of all elements of your heart:

- The love still etched in deep into you

- The confusion, the loss

- The assurance that in the love, in the pain, and in the heartache, you feel God has a wonderful plan in store.

- The surrender of your heart and all of it's emotions to the throne of the King, knowing that that is the safest place for your heart to be.

Acceptance.

Brings healing, hope, and perhaps more love than you knew was possible.

Acceptance.

"But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in your hand"

- Psalm 31:14-15

- A

Reason Number One: Location

What if you shared the same passion

Shared the same heart

Were compatible

Had overwhelming love for God and each other,

Just one thing came in the way...

Location.

What if everything else was what you had hoped for.
Every other aspect you shared.
If you found that you and them, your spirits,
were made of the same thing.

Yet just one thing came in the way...

Location.

What if no matter how hard you prayed,

It seemed like nothing would change.

And no matter what you could say,

God's face stayed the same.

And you wish one thing was different...

Location.

And you think of the ways, it could work

But it all seems impossible now.

You're convinced their memory of you will fade

That your love, they'll forget...

Yet, you still wish that'd some day you'd find your way to the same

Location.

Then as each moment passes, one day after the next...
They simply move on, but from your life they're still missed
In no time at all,
they've found somebody new
And you wonder if what separated you was really just
Location.

- A

Calling out to Father on those Other kinds of days.

Some days are better than Others

Others just hurt

I've been circling around asking questions

And I'm lower than the dirt

There are only two things I ask...

the first, to carry out Your plans

But the second, dare I say,

Is something I can't have

A hoarders dream house

Is the sad labyrinth of my mind

I'm imprisoned by circumstance,

Impossibilities, pain and time.

Like a wretched little girl,

Whose lost her best friend,

They talk of replacements

But that hurts worse in the end

There's only two things I ask for,

God, only two

I'd do anything to prove it...

I'd do anything

I'd do anything for you...

Just please Father, if there is any way

Please hear my cry

Please see my heart

I don't understand anymore

- A